Noah be’zeman hazeh
Stolen from a source I no longer remember.
In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said:
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”
“Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
“You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”
- “I needed a Building Permit.”
- “I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”
- “My homeowners association claim that I’ve violated the construction code.
- Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”
- “Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a sh.. load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”
- “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.”
- “I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”
- “When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”
- “Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.”
- “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”
- “The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”
- “The labor unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.”
- “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”
- “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”
“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.”
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. ” The Government beat me to it.
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